Wednesday, 5 October 2011

Grumpy Blogger Book Giveaway + Guest post from Flatcap

Call me a glutton for punishment, but a blog slot to fill and a whole morning without so much as a whiff of a mint Aero has brought on a reoccurring bout of psychosis and an interview with the cantankerous Flatcap is the result.

All is not lost, however, as I have procured no fewer than FIVE free e-book copies of his hilarious musings, Grumpy Old Blogger. Now, if you knew Flatcap like I know Flatcap, you’d realise that the words FREE and FLATCAP uttered in the same breath is as scarce as hen’s teeth.

All you need to do to get your hands on one of these rarities is leave a comment below and in a week or so, the lucky names will be plucked out of a cap. Simple, innit?

Thanks to everyone who commented. The winners have been notified. You lucky people. :-/

Here's Flatcap...

Given my record of dealing with people, it’s not often I get invited anywhere, and I certainly never get invited twice. So it was a bit of a surprise when Maureen wossname, as what runs this blog, invited me to guest post here.

Her Indoors said it would be impolite to refuse, so naturally I refused. Mo’s a bit more persistent and on the promise of a couple of pies and a bottle of brown ale, I agreed.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. As I understand it Mo is an editor. I’m a bit deaf and I thought she said an ’ead hit her, so right away I asked, “Whose head?” and before you knew it we were discussing the relative merits of kick-boxing contests at Brownie camps.

Mo’s big question was, where does my sledgehammer humour come from. Easy. I look at this world, I look at people and I think, “How utterly absurd.” Take The X-Factor for instance. Someone please take The X-Factor and melt it down for scrap.

Now that is an example of paraprosdokian. You didn’t expect the final line, did you?

It takes a special kind of person to recognise the humorous potential in everyday life. Either that or you have to bribe your editor. God, she isn’t half expensive this Maureen woman.

It’s not just about what you’re saying, but knowing when to cut off. Add two more words and the gag can fall flat. I’d give you an example, but there are two reasons why I won’t. First, I can’t think of one, and second I’m not getting paid for this gig.

Try this.

“He died from strychnine poisoning,” the copper said.

I patted my knees. “I didn’t know they could be poisonous.”

“What?” asked the inspector.

“Trick knees. I didn’t realise they could be poisonous.”

By the time we get to comparing the homophones, strychnine and trick knees, the gag is falling off. Try again.

“He died from strychnine poisoning,” the copper said.

“I didn’t know trick knees could be poisonous,” I replied patting my arthritic patellae.

That’s what the writer should aim for, and if he misses the mark, then it’s up to the editor to point it out. And there’s no point bleating about it being the wrong time of the month (i.e. when United are hard at work in the Champions’ League). You just have to get on and do as you’re told.

I’m good at that. Doing as I’m told. Ask Her Indoors.

An editor is also good at making writers do things they don’t want to, but I told Mo, “I don’t mop our kitchen floor, never mind yours.” Take my latest megatome, which will be plugged somewhere on this page. I thought the perfect ending was a desire to be tuppence behind J.K. Rowling in the bank. It’s honest. Maureen didn’t think so and insisted I change it. I refused, Mo read me the riot act and I capitulated (capitulation is perfectly legal in a democracy and it’s practically compulsory in a dictatorship like men vs women). I’d still like to be tuppence behind JKR but telling everyone I didn’t wish them a Happy New Year because I couldn’t be bothered is much more Flatcap-ish.

Professional editors willing to withstand the curmudgeonly onslaught of insults, ignorance, mule-headedness, innuendo, general bad manners and crap typing that sums up Flatcap, are as hard to find as egg & chips in a DIY store. I consider myself lucky to have found Mo.

There, Mo, I’ve done as you asked. Now about that cheque you promised…

Flatcap is the resident philosopher at the Jolly Carter where, for the price of a pair of pork pies and a brace of brown ales, he will give you the benefit of his wisdom on politics, relationships, the modern world and the VV carburettor. 

Flatcap is the creation of novelist, David Robinson and you can follow his absurdities at Flatcap Fritters



DW96 said...

Hey. Do I get a free book for commenting? Only I do have better things to do with my time, you know. The hinges on the garden gate are rusted solid again.

Maureen said...

Your name's in the cap but I thought it was so it could be returned to you if you mislaid it. No idea what the 'size 7 3/8' refers to.

DW96 said...

Modesty forbids me from boasting, but ...

Trevor said...

Does this mean David has stopped using his flat cap for collecting coins when he's busking?

Maureen said...

Well, he did promise the judge he'd stop that after what happened last time.

Sue watson said...

Hilarious - I love this kind of humour, and I agree that writing comedy is about what to leave out and you can't flog a joke to death!Sadly I don't own an ebook reader so can't be a winner - but as I'm only In Worcs i reckon it's worth a visit to the Jolly Carter and two pies and an ale is cheap for Flatcap's funny brand of philosophy!

susanjanejones said...

I'd say I love Mr.flat cap's humour, but to me it's more common sense. What's the point of x factor I wonder? That's a waste of time, I heard yesterday that they're bringing back sitcoms like Steptoe, Fawlty Towers, Bread etc. I already watch the alternative channels for the old style comedy. Keep up the good work flat cap I say, there's not many like you around.

DW96 said...

@Sue Watson, we do it in pdf if your name comes out of the hat. @susanjanejones Why do they need old sitcoms when they have me at a fraction the price. @Mo, I BRIBED that judge and he still wasn't as expensive as you. @Trevor, if the cap fits...

Anonymous said...

I've just remembered the name Andy Capp! He's not a sterotypical Northerner is he? Arn't they always accompanied by a whippet.

Hope you get your pork pie and brace of beers sorted - crucual that.

Looks like you've been hard at it, David. By that I mean writing! Marilyn.

June said...

...Anonymous said...


Love it.

We definitely need more of Mr Flat Cap. Humour is seriously lacking these days, especially good old fashioned, let's pull no punches, tell it as it is, and what harm did a little rib rattling chortling do anyone? Humour is a two way thing, the teller wants you to laugh ... it would be churlish then for the reader or listener not to. Mr Flat Cap spread your humour, and if it takes just two pork pies and a brace of ale - then a bargain it is. Humour should have no divide, North, South, East or West, further afield and all the rest. Laughter is free and should be enjoyed.

jakill said...

Very Flatcap all that. Good on ya, Mo, for cracking the whip.

Tahlia Newland said...

Sounds like just what I need, a good laugh.